Your Life's Purpose

While reading Michael Brown's blog, "Living in Aberdeen", I started to cry. It was a very touching entry and reveals much about Michael. The reason I was so touched is that I have been feeling trapped lately. The feeling is sort of like being in perpetual limbo. I know I need to do something with my life that makes a difference and yet I have no idea what that would look like. Fear also has me feeling stuck. Luckily, I have an idea of something that I want to do and that excites me. My friend Terra, pointed out that the anxiety I was feeling was simply because I wasn't on my life path. She said that if I was doing what my heart called me to do, there would be no fear. The following from Michael Brown's blog is a perfect example of what I am struggling with. I guess the point is that we are always changing and can have many different life paths. Maybe the old one was fine for a while but now it's time for a new one?

"Everything finally fell into place today. I started the day assisting my friend Nikolas move loads of San Pedro (a type of cactus...sorry, no brackets on my Mexican keyboard) out of the sun so they would be shaded until he planted them on his land. We shall fetch another trailer load of these medicinal plants from Anton at Obesa Nursery this week. All this is being given freely to us.

I then returned home while Nikolas planted. I spent the next four hours writing another addition of Conversations With Yesuare - and as I finished writing and was about to edit it, I got 'the blue screen of death' and my computer shut down. When I restarted it, I discovered the entire document had been obliterated. I was stunned. It was such a marvelous piece of insight and I simply did not have the energy to start rewriting it again. I screamed as loudly as I could - because I could. It felt really good even though I already know release is not as efficient as the resolution of containment. Then I went and lay down and slept.

I was awoken three times by young children at the door asking for bread. It made me angry. I sat with my anger and asked myself I was angry because children were asking me for food? They were not asking for money to buy sweets or glue to sniff - they were asking for food. They came back again later and I asked them where their parents were? They told me they were passed-out - drunk - and had been that way since Friday evening. I gave them some bread, and when they left, I wept - which dissolved my anger completely.

I then went into the garden and began watering. The even gust tugged at my entire being not allowing me to feel any sense of peace or calm. My mind wondered over my various activities since I have been here in Aberdeen. I had initially secured this space -this home - with an intent to somehow serve this community. At the same time, I have had very clear dreams not to organize or advertise, but simply to prepare the location for the presence of people. Also, in the last two months, I have been accumulating basic foodstuffs like rice, salt, turmeric, etc. For a few eeks I would go out every day and buy what I could carry home. I felt driven to do so by an inner voice I have grown to implicitly trust beyond my ability to meet it through mental understandings.

Then, as I was completing my watering, I did something I haven't done for a long time: I prayed for guidance. I asked to be shown what it is I am to do here in Aberdeen, because I really do not know? I then went into the kitchen and warmed up a pot of rice I had stored in the fridge and added some spices, tomatoes, and other odds and ends to it. For days now I have had little appetite, and in this moment of preparing this meal I suddenly realized why: I have been finding it hard to eat because there is so much unattended hunger around me. These children has been coming every day asking for food and I have not been listening to them. I have also felt angry because I do not know how to help in any way that is tangible? Talking about THE PRESENCE PROCESS to those suffering in this community is pointless: They are hungry and alcohol addicted, not seeking metaphysical explanation for their plight. Then, right in the moment my food was ready, I heard a soft knocking at the door. I opened it and there stood two colored kids called Mario and Jonathon. It was already dark outside. They told me softly in Afrikaans that they were hungry - did I have any more bread? They said their parents were drunk and had not fed them for two days. Instead of leaving them waiting at the door, which I normally did, I brought them into the kitchen, gave them each a bowl and a spoon, and ladled the ready food in for them. I gave them slices of bread. In that moment I realized I was experientially receiving the answer to my prayer. What I am here to do begins with these two hungry children. In that moment I also remembered the night The Virgin of Guadalupe appeared to me during a Yaqui Indain Easter Celebration in Tucson and said five clear words: "Take care of the children." Since then I had journey into the predicament of my own inner child, and now I had travelled all the way to this moment to stand before these two hungry children. I realized why, for the past weeks, I had been gathering basic foodstuffs. I also realized why Nikolas and I were accumulating so much San Pedro cactus. It all came together with the clarity of a bell that had been struck once, gently, but deliberately: Food and medicine. Food and Medicine. It rang true.

After the two boys left, one 12 years old and one 14, I ladled the remaining small portion into my own bowl. For the first time in days I felt my appetite return, and although there was not much food left in the pot, it was deeply satisfying because I could finally eat in peace, knowing those kids were not going to bed hungry. Suddenly, waves of emotion welled up within my heart and I sobbed. I was sobbing with gratitude and relief because I felt I was being adorned by a blanket of clarity....

...Tonight, as I ladled food into the bowls held by those small, vulnerable hands, I felt completely present and in total sync with everything around me. I felt like I had for those few moments truly become as food and medicine. THE PRESENCE PROCESS has unexpectedly brought me back to my roots in a way that empowers me to be available as food and medicine for this small community. What a journey. What a prayer. What a simple and obvious way to be of service."

From Michael Brown's blog, "Living in Aberdeen". Michael Brown's website is www.thepresenceportal.com. Michael's books can be found on Amazon.com and at Namaste Publishing. Michael is a truly enlightened being and a great writer. I recommend his books to everyone.