Looking at the Past, Looking Toward the Future

How many things did I try before I finally gave up?  I probably need to add at this point that I was forced to quit searching outside of myself because I was running out of money!  I went to psychiatrists who prescribed several different medications that were supposed to help me but I eventually became addicted to Xanax.  Wow, getting off of that was tough but it's been more than a year since I have taken any.  I had to have a doctor's help because it was dangerous to go off of it cold-turkey.  I also spent a fortune on books that I just knew would have the answer.  I have boxes of them.  I am not saying that all of the things I tried and all of the doctors I visited didn't help.  What I am saying is that searching outside of myself was giving away my power.  This is a struggle every day.  It feels as if the fear is just at arms length and that I could be overwhelmed again at any moment.  The answer, for me, is allowing it.

I have an image that I carry with me of opening myself up, like window shutters, and allowing the fear in.  Resistance was what gave the fear the energy to continue.  The greater my resistance, the stronger the fear.  I allow it.  I wouldn't say I welcome it but I let it in.  I let it be.  I find that I might have a scary thought but before you know it I am distracted by a bug or my dog, Sophie Mae, and the fearful thought is gone.  That is the nature of the mind.  It is always changing.

I have recently started studying Tibetan Buddhism because Buddhists really "get" the nature of the mind.  They have studied it inside and out and have some wonderful advice for dealing with "run-away" thoughts that if you latch on to, can make you miserable.

More on meditation later...

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